I Live For This

Lord Hear my prayer:

Luke 18:1-8

It's time to show what I can do. At practice today Coach Phillips and Coach Jones made it clear that I am earning playing time right now. During 7on7 they told me to take 4 reps and rest 2, which is a butt-load. Whoo... I was tired after that, but this entire week I need to make plays. I earn it now, not during Fall Camp. They make their decisions on who plays during the Spring.

"No Pressure No Diamonds"

I've prepared. I'm ready. I just need to make the spectacular ordinary. Every day I need to make a play. Every day I need strength. Lord, I am weak! You are the author and perfecter of my faith. Let me not be put to shame! I believe I'm here for a reason, but sometimes I play tenative. Fill me with your power. Your Holy Spirit, the same one that raised Lazarus from the dead! You are the Giver of Good. My heart isn't living for this life, and I wanna bring as many people with me when this life ends. Show your power. But not my will but YOURS. If it doesn't work out, I will still love You.

Father, hear my prayer.

New Album...

Bro's check out itunes....John Mayers new album drops May 22!! Get dat pre-order foolz!

mexico.

okok from the top.

went to mexico with apu for spring break. there's the news if i never communicated it with you. went with a medical focused team and our goal was to do physical therapy for kids with different disabilities.  most of them had cerebral palsy which is a form of rigid paralysis or muscular dystrophy which is flaccid paralysis so we did different exercises and stretches with them.  there is tons to say about the trip but i'll try to condense it the best i can.

we drove down from apu last saturday.  the trip took 5 hours or so and it was fun getting to know the people in the car who were on my team.  we had meetings before the trip to get to know each other but i didn't really go to many of those... we got in-n-out before the border (i'm an in-n-out convert, can't help it) and then headed into mexico.  the difference in the urban landscape and demographics was pretty stark.  we were in mexicali which is a region of mexico that is primarily agriculture with nearly zero tourist attraction.  got to our camp site which was really just an empty field and claimed our spot for our tent.  pitched that bad boy up and i picked my spot on the ground.  kinda forgot a sleeping pad but the dust under the tent was surprisingly soft.  

sunday was our first day working and we went to pick up saul and gustavo.  saul was the most functional cerebral palsy kid we had (see below: biceps for dayz)

but besides being functional, he had the greatest attitude.  saul's mom told us that every day he would wake up at 6 so he could get ready in time. even though we didn't pick him up til close to 9.  everyday he would be sitting in his walker in the driveway waiting for us.  that smile was plastered on his face all week.  he also loved american pop music and he listened to it on his own so even though he didn't speak english he would sing along to some of his favorite songs.  sometimes the words weren't exactly right but it was all because he just listened to the songs and phonetically sounded them out.  

gustavo was a kid with a disorder that is similar to non-comunicative autism but also manifests itself with excessive eating.  gustavo is 6 but he's over 110 pounds.  such a chubby bunny.  and because he can't communicate, he gets frustrated easily when he doesn't get what he wants.  which is hard to know because he can't communicate.  but when gustavo is happy, he is the cutest fat little mexican boy you have ever seen. 

case and point. 

the other kid that was one of my favorites was thomas.  he was a punk.  he learned some english words and would repeat them at funny times.  favorite thomas quotes : "sup dude (with the head nod)" "massage!" "come onnnnn" "stop (said to men trying to enter/exit car before girls)" "dayummmmmmmmm"  but it was really cool to see thomas' attitude progress throughout the week.  the last day he even said he was upset because we were leaving.  which was bitter because we were leaving but sweet because he actually cared. below is thomas and i thuggin it up at tacos after the clinic. 

but onto the important stuff. the things i learned about while in mexico.  i got to see the mom's handling their kid's adversity and the adversity of their economic standing.  these people lived on around $35 a week with kids having disabilities.  one mom and grandma stood out from the rest. their son was named emmanuel and had severe c.p.  he was 22 and constantly in the fetal position because of the severity.  he couldn't communicate at all and by all appearances didn't know what was going on.  his mom held him like a baby because he wasn't much bigger than one and essentially had to be treated like one.  but every morning that we picked them up, mom and grandma came out just giggling and smiling about who knows what.  but really.  by american standards, what did they have to giggle and laugh about?  they had nothing to their name except a downtrodden home and a severely disabled kid.  but their joy was undeniable and that was so... encouraging? different? surprising?

the other cool thing was the fact that we actually made a difference.  i was semi skeptical about the impact the trip would have because sometimes short term missions seem more about the people serving than the actual service.  which is not bad but i wanted to get my hands dirty and do something.  there was a noticeable improvement in the conditions of some of the kids by the end of the week which would help increase their ability to function.  and more important than that was the interactive impact.  when we dropped off saul on thursday night for the last time, he sat in the driveway and cried because he didn't want us to go.  we went inside to his home at his mom's urging and he just sat there hugging us and holding back tears.  we were obviously a highlight of saul's life.  and i don't mean that lightly.  

there is so much more to say but that'll suffice for now. to scratch the surface. mexico was great because as much as we made an impact in the lives of those kids and their families, they made an equal impact on me. 

"we are not made for the mountains, for sunrises, or for the other beautiful attractions in life - those are simply intended to be moments of inspiration.  the true test of our spiritual life is in exhibiting the power to descend from the mountain" 

~ my utmost for His Highest

addicting.

in the words of a youtube comment,
"i loathe this song soooo much. but it is so damn catchy."
check it here.
and enjoy the whole thing. from start to finish. especially the finish.

couldn't think up a good title so....

Im reading Forgotten God by Francis Chan and im in love with it....im learning every night i read a chapter and im feeling convicted and wanting to change (these are all good things right). Im also feeling discouraged at the same time. Im one of the chapters Francis Chan talked about how we can grieve the Holy Spirit....make God sad. Ive known this for awhile now and never really thought much about it but for some reason after reading that paragraph I felt this sense of failure. I have failed God for sure...I screw up with the same crap everyday, multiple times a day. I guess I never really took into consideration that my actions or thoughts drew emotion out of God. I hate that I make God 'cry' in a sense daily with my stupid selfish sins that i do everyday. After every night of reading I say my prayers and try to actually mean it when I ask for forgiveness and say ill do better tomorrow. I never do, I may feel like I do but in reality when i think about the day that just happened i didn't.
Look, I know that God forgives me anytime I ask and i know that it won't change my standing in his kingdom when i sin over and over and over and over but I want to change. Im at this point where I get so upset and down on myself whenever I screw up that I feel ashamed to pray and ask for forgiveness because I know I shouldn't get it.
I know I love God but why do I reject him and re-crucify him daily?

Im going to do better, I know as life continues and i learn and grow I will start to change and get better because im working on it and God will reward my efforts if they are lining up with his will. I pray the same for you guys, your doing better than me im sure but it never hurts to be reminded of who we are hurting when we screw up, not just ourselves and others but also God.

Hey on a happier note, ive been praying and thinking about you guys a ton and keep thinking that summer is right around the corner and know that we will have tons to catch up on and talk about! Take time every single day to be silent and listen to the Holy Spirit...who is not some ghost but an actual being...see where God is calling you and what he has planned for our futures!

What is there left to fear?

This post is two-fold. One part is a confession, and the second being a revelation. Hopefully my bros can take some encouragement through this all.

The other day I woke up from a very (and much needed) restful sleep in my own bed at home, and I had that thought of, "Oh, I should dig out the Biblio and start the day off right." But that was quickly washed away with, "Nah, I've got all day; it'll be there later." So I continued on with for a bit, poured myself a couple bowls and cereal, read the paper, checked my facebook to see which fools didn't holla at me (why do I even get my hopes up). A good 2 hours passed of diddling around until I had to stop myself and say, "What the heck am I doing?!!!" (aren't the best conversations the ones we have with ourselves?) I am WAY to comfortable here. My little faith and I cannot even begin to grasp how desperately I need God. When you really stop to think it is ridunculous! First off, this isn't really the ideal time for me to say you know what I think I'm better off on my own. I mean by the end of next week I need to have figured out what major/what the next 2 years of my schooling/life is gonna look like, I'm about to start spring football and golly knows I need to some divine intervention in that. This could be it. Make it or break it time. And there's a couple of other relational blessings I need to focus in on. Yet, here I am going: Nah, I think I'm "goooood" (jim carrey, bruce almighty...ya feel me?) ohn. This ain't going down. The worse part was I truthfully didn't feel that bad for thinking this. I'm not trying to say that the first act we do each morning is crack open our Bibles and get crunk with God, we each have our own way and time/place for that, but it was the full out rebellion that bothered me..... and I was ok with it. Basically, all of this is to say is are we really trusting God with our lives or are we just faking it? Is this real to me? Because if it is then I would sure be believing what I'm reading in Scripture. I would sure be acting on it. But a lot of the time it's easy to forget........sometimes you need help remembering.

That leads us to part 2. For all our bilingual readers and followers this is for you: ¿Cómo te sientes cuando el Dios se revela? ¿Tienes miedo? How many times have I heard that to fear God is to respect him and show reverence to Him? While that may be partly true, I also see dudes in Scripture flat out crapping their pants when they come into the presence of God. Is God terrifying to us? In my case, it's hard to see it until I sit down and ponder. This whole notion came about after our boi Conor Mcwade (holla at ya!) sent a video where Francis Chan went hardcore about Fearing God. The actual idea that God is for reals is absolutely terrifying. But do we ever really experience this aspect of his nature. I think we get horrifying glimpses at it through different ways.

I was out on a hike with my momma this past week up in the gorge. We came across a thundering waterfall (pictured above) and my mom looked up and said, "(more or less) Dang, makes me think how powerful God is, and that's just a little waterfall." Thousands of gallons of water pouring over, able to smash anything and yes, it is just a little waterfall. In the OT while wandering around before the land of Canaan, whenever the Israelites disobeyed God or grumbled against him, he flat toasted them. Look it up if you don't believe me. He threw fire at them! He sent plagues, he swallowed them up with the earth. Yes, God should be feared.

Let's just say we saw God for 5 seconds. That's all I'd need. I've come to understand it would be the scariest moment of my life. Completely horrifying. But God doesn't leave us there. Look at Isaiah 6. (which happens to be the chapter I took my jersey number from......which was basically because Lecrae had a sick song based from this chapter called "Send Me"........hey it had a good message. don't be hatin.) Now, I see this in a totally different light. When Isaiah sees God he cries out "Woe is me! For I am lost; for I am a man of unclean lips...." He sees God's glory and is terrified, but what does God do? One of the angelic beings touches his mouth with burning coal and says,"...your guilt is taken away, and your sin atoned for." God doesn't let us wither in terror, rather he beckons with, "No,no, you're forgiven, come close to me. You are my children."

Then this thought struck me as soon as Mr. Chan spoke it: “Then we would see, okay, now I know why I need to fear this God. And now I don’t want to just flippantly disobey His commands anymore. I want to take Him seriously, but not just that ... it would change our whole mindset, ‘cause we’d realize, now that I’ve seen Him, I realize there’s nothing else to fear.”

What else is there to scare me? The most terrifying thing is God himself! And he's on my side!

Prov. 19:23 -"The fear of the Lord leads to life, and whoever has it rests satisfied; he will not be visited by harm."

By first fearing God, we have nothing left of fear. We can lead a fearless life. Man, wouldn't that be fricking sweet. And that's what's promised. I pray the Holy Spirit would give me a real, genuine fear of God. Sometimes it takes just a little trek through the backcountry to get a glimpse of God's power, and remind ourselves who we should be scared of and not the cares of this world like school majors, or what's next. But know that God doesn't want us to ever run from him. He wants us to know his power and still know he's like a protective father to us, his children.

May we live fearlessly.

fearing love.

please ignore the mistakes and randomness of the stream of consciousness that is flowing from recent events. by recent events i mean my pal here finally falling head over heels for his best friend, a girl. it needed to happen for so many reasons which can be explained later and not in this post. but there's the background knowledge for where this is coming from.


in this season of love, i want nothing more than to give the love that i have away.  all this love-y dove-y business has given me the thought that i honestly just want to find a suitable girl and grab her by the shoulders and say, "please, let me love you.  i have so much to spare."  that's a dangerous thought, let's be real.  spontaneity and irrationality are not two things you typically want to mix.  but the thought that i had today that i desired to merely place that excess love into a woman seemed a little off base.  i pray that i can convert that romantic desire and love into one that is used to adore Jesus, as his eternal bride.
now i really do pray that i can increase my outpouring for God but i also realize that the second commandment is to love your neighbor.  and that may be a pretty girl, who knows?
as much as i want to give love away, i also fear it.  by fear i am employing more of the fear from the Bible.  granted, i do grow scared of having to put myself out there for another person to pick over and choose whether they want to pick me or move onto the next viable option.  but the fear of love is more of a respect. similar to the Bible where fear of God means embracing all of His power, His wrath, His characteristics while still having a healthy respect, the fear of love embraces all the power love holds while still realizing the respect it commands.
romantic love is so exciting. but it is powerful. it magnifies who we are and highlights our character.  so i am fearful of love for if i am not ready to give and receive it, it will magnify that unreadiness.  if i go out and try to love out of the feeling of insecurity, i will be forced to place my security in that relationship.  my only security should be in my faith in Christ.
i pray that through introspection and reflection i may be able to see if i am truly ready for love.  i want to know that my love will serve solely to further the kingdom and not to be a place of self worth.  i pray that i fear love.