fearing love.

please ignore the mistakes and randomness of the stream of consciousness that is flowing from recent events. by recent events i mean my pal here finally falling head over heels for his best friend, a girl. it needed to happen for so many reasons which can be explained later and not in this post. but there's the background knowledge for where this is coming from.


in this season of love, i want nothing more than to give the love that i have away.  all this love-y dove-y business has given me the thought that i honestly just want to find a suitable girl and grab her by the shoulders and say, "please, let me love you.  i have so much to spare."  that's a dangerous thought, let's be real.  spontaneity and irrationality are not two things you typically want to mix.  but the thought that i had today that i desired to merely place that excess love into a woman seemed a little off base.  i pray that i can convert that romantic desire and love into one that is used to adore Jesus, as his eternal bride.
now i really do pray that i can increase my outpouring for God but i also realize that the second commandment is to love your neighbor.  and that may be a pretty girl, who knows?
as much as i want to give love away, i also fear it.  by fear i am employing more of the fear from the Bible.  granted, i do grow scared of having to put myself out there for another person to pick over and choose whether they want to pick me or move onto the next viable option.  but the fear of love is more of a respect. similar to the Bible where fear of God means embracing all of His power, His wrath, His characteristics while still having a healthy respect, the fear of love embraces all the power love holds while still realizing the respect it commands.
romantic love is so exciting. but it is powerful. it magnifies who we are and highlights our character.  so i am fearful of love for if i am not ready to give and receive it, it will magnify that unreadiness.  if i go out and try to love out of the feeling of insecurity, i will be forced to place my security in that relationship.  my only security should be in my faith in Christ.
i pray that through introspection and reflection i may be able to see if i am truly ready for love.  i want to know that my love will serve solely to further the kingdom and not to be a place of self worth.  i pray that i fear love.