Was that it?

     Welp college is ending. As I sit here studying for my last final, I took a couple seconds to reflect. I remember back to freshman year and hearing everything that was said about the next 4 years. People said: live it up, yolo, become a new person... etc etc. I distinctly remember hearing all the time from my peers, "Yeah, my parents said college was the best time of their life." And what I could sense was the anticipation of all that college would bring.
     And yeah, college brought the hammer. Not gonna lie. Some incredible things happened, and also some incredible challenges came and were overcome. But I believe what I experienced and what you guys also experienced was more of a confirmation than a life change. As I sit here in this library and once again hear the conversations of the seniors around me like I did when I was a freshman, I get a sense of worry from them. Worry that they didn't live it up enough. Worry that they didn't do all that they thought or imagined. Worry that the best part of their life is now concluding. While they will never admit it if questioned, but from what I observe they are already asking themselves, "Was that it?" Yeah buddy that was it.
     You see, what was confirmed was something that was believed upon us by faith from our high school years. What got confirmed these last 4 years was that being a follower of Jesus is the best way to live. Bar none. To be honest, I did not change a whole lot over my college career. And by that I mean that my decision to follow Christ never changed. I didn't become someone new or have a major epiphany or do the greatest thing in the world..... because the greatest thing in the world had already been done in my life when I chose to walk in His footsteps. These past 4 years have been nothing but Christ showing off to me just a little slice of all that he can do.
    While it is tremendously hard to be leaving undergrad with all the friends and memories made, there is a sense of hope and excitement inside of me. God absolutely blew my mind for the past four years showing that His way is the best adventure of all.....What in the world is He gonna do for the next 50? (Lord willing) What makes me sad is all these fellow seniors around me who don't know my joy. They thought college could bring them what they were looking for. I pray they find the One who can bring exactly that to them.

So was that it?            Yeah it was.....for college.

But I didn't live for college. I live for Christ and I know that an even bigger adventure is about to begin.
   

why?

take yourself on a little trip sometime soon.  find a nice quiet place, preferably dimly lit, possibly with a glass of red wine or, even better, martinelli's, and ask yourself why.

why am i friends with "whats-his-face"?
why am i attending college?
why do i feel the desire to date someone?
why am i nice?
why, why, why.

and when you have answered any of the above questions or others that come to mind, then ask yourself why you came up with that answer.

for instance:
q: why am i attending college?
a: i want a good job
q: why do i want a good job?
a: because i want to be able to make money
q: why do i want to make money?
a: so that i can support myself and my family?
q: why do i feel the need to support myself & why am i presupposing having a family?
a: shut up.

if you are anything like me, you may end up down a few rabbit holes and paths that lead to the conclusion that i only care about myself and nearly everything i do allows me security in myself.  my friends support me and validate my importance which is a form of security.  i want a job so i have money so i am self-sufficient so others look up to me, giving me power and security. etc etc etc.

there is light at the end of the tunnel, but sometimes i think we are too frightened to even enter the tunnel of why.

haphazard thoughts.

we approach senior year. of college.

wait. what?

i can vividly think back to going to breakaway lodge with the senior class, spending a weekend together, playing volleyball and being forced to pick a class verse under the threat of starvation.  it is wacky to think of all the memories and events that have occurred since that weekend and now.

watch this real quick.

now i understand that this video is about a nike sports band / one guy's real cool adventure.  but when i think of how quickly these past four years went by, i get a bit scared.  scared that i'm not making my life count.  i think of wasted nights of video games or days spent selfishly.  basically, i think of this quote: (it wouldn't be right if i didn't include a video and a quote)

"know God and make him known.  while it is short and simple, it is also incredibly challenging.  i have found myself speaking to high school and college students from a stage for the past three years about purpose and what it's like to actually live a life bringing glory to God... yet, i find the challenge of doing just that as i interact with my family, friends, fellow drivers, bank tellers, the people at the grocery store and anyone else i come into contact with.  sometimes i find myself wasting my breath by merely living"
~megan fate

||       ||       ||

woe is the one
who struggles with lust
who faces tough a tough academic schedule
who sweats in my bed unless the fan is on
who doesn't have room in the freezer for my ice cream
who cannot get a word from God when i want one
who has an uncertain future

blessed is the one
who sees beauty regardless of appearance
who is able to attend college
who has a roof that protects from the rain
who has food. period
who has a real relationship with God and seeks answers
who lets go of his future

i am the one
which one depends on my perspective.

||       ||       ||

i just deleted mafia wars from my iphone.  what is mafia wars you may ask?  it was some role player game that are a dime a dozen in the app store.  why did i have that app you may ask? great question. when i got the iphone i just thought that it was only right to download some apps, and i should get a game or two, right?  i have always wanted to be conscious of my phone usage but it wasn't until i deleted the app that i realized how much i played it.  and lemme tell you, it was a dumb game.  but i didn't necessarily realize it when i had it installed.

and as trendy and useful the smartphones are, i wonder what would happen if the app store didn't exist. what if phones were relegated to their most basic uses: calling, texting, navigation, taking pictures, calendar, notes, clock, weather, stocks (who really uses that app anyway).  granted, this is a little unrealistic given the integration of some apps into friendships (instagram, twitter, venmo) which may be a little sad but that's besides the point.  i don't think the problem i have is with the apps as much as when phones are used.  i haven't had a conversation with a young life kid without seeing his phone except for the week at camp while their phones were locked in a closet somewhere in the administration building.

i think this video paints a pretty cold picture of what interpersonal interactions often look like today.

something that i want to try, and you guys can too if you're up for it, is drawing a line in the sand.  i'm going to do my best to never use my phone when i am with someone else.  if i need to send a text or make a call, i'll leave and do it.  but i sure as hell won't be checking instagram or twitter when someone else is around. that's for when i'm pooping.

regret.

graduation at apu was last weekend.  and if any phrase was spoken more than another, it was, "i regret that i didn't _______."  people filled that blank with various things, including but not limited to spending time with certain people, spending more time with people, taking more interesting (albeit tougher) classes, this that and the other.  

now to take a relatively radical stance on the topic of regret, i would like to propose that regret is worthless without a second ingredient - action.  action is necessary for two reasons: talk is cheap and the past cannot be changed.  when i hear people talk about regretting things in life, what is the purpose?  they are paying lip service to the wish that something would have been different.  but the past is immutable and talking about it will not change what happened.  that is why action is the necessary cofactor to accompany regret.  for if i say, "i regret not spending more time with this friend" does that mean in the future i will spend more time with them or even give up something in order to spend more time with them?  sure, i can sit here and wish i had more hours in the day so that i could do more, befriend many, and have new experiences.  but the hours in a day are not changing so unless i actually want to change something in the future, expressing regret is mostly lip service.

i suppose i'm trying to say that regret is not a terrible thing, but if not accompanied by action it is empty.  regret that spurs on action can be powerful because it is actually able to change the future.  

so for a weird, pseudo-optomistic spin on the topic, don't regret anything that happened unless you plan on changing the future. 

a place at the table.

  so lent is wednesday. and with lent comes some ambiguity.  i for one never was in a sermon or class that properly explained the spiritual discipline of fasting or lent.  and so i count myself as a student of the spiritual practice but i wanted to share some of what i've learned and a little challenge.
  i have been reading the book "a place at the table" by chris seay.  it is focused on fasting for lent (see the correlation with this post??) and the corresponding purpose.  the first four chapters are focused on background and then there is 40 different daily readings and prayers to accompany the lent or fasting season.  so here is some of my highlights from the first four chapters

• the first chapter is moving from a idea of consuming to sharing.  there are stats that show the average young adult spends more money on their phone than food.  yet 22,000 children die each day due to extreme poverty.  as Christians who are called to love the least of these, poverty isn't some imaginary problem but our (the Church's) problem.  now what is unique to this book is that seay doesn't take this statistic with others to bludgeon Christians into giving away half our income.  while that isn't a poor conclusion to come to, practically bills, loans, life adds up to and we get lost in how to practically help the poor. so seay suggests fasting as a method to relate and care for the poor.
• seay paraphrases augustine to suggest that if we pass on dinner or skip a meal, do not simply leave that food in cupboard but instead give the portion to someone who has none.  
• in the developing world 28% of children are underweight or have stunted growth while in the industralized world the problem lies with near one in two people being overweight or obese. 
• "it is not hard to do the math and know that what the world needs right now is for Christians in the industralized world to take less and share more, as the passage from Isaiah (chapter 58) demands"
• i realized while listening to seay's thoughts that i often do not appreciate food.  i take joy in eating great food much less having nice possessions.  we live in a time in which everything stimulates us, so why shouldn't our food stimulate our taste buds.  but food is a daily blessing, as is evidenced by so many having a lack of it.  
• so while fasting, the goal is not to be undernurished, overtired or faint.  if anything that borders on what Jesus commanded to never do in Matthew 6:16.  
• simple ways to fast is to take on the food of a region close to your heart, or eating the food that would be provided on food stamps, or simply eating less than usual but still enough.  and with those changes in diet, do something around those causes.  
• find a community to fast with because we don't need to do it alone.  

so i hope that adaquately portrays my thoughts on this season's lent.  i'm all for lent seasons focused on things not food related like giving up social media or tv or whatever but i think that as Christians called to care for the poor and hungry, the least we can do is try to relate.  enjoy lent season and let me know if you are participating with me.

why.

    yoyo so in leadership we watched this amazing ted talk.  you can watch it here (aka please watch it for a better understanding of what is to come). and i think i had watched it before but just struck a different cord this time.  i have some friends who are seniors this year or just juniors graduating early. and there is pretty much two camps, those who know what they are doing next and those who have no freaking clue.  and though not graduating too soon, i would still count myself in the latter group. i mean sure i have a "plan" but what is that worth?
    so how i saw simon pinek's talk relating to me was that i should be worrying less about the "what" and more about the "why".  if i decide i want to be a circus clown, that makes the next step easy to follow because the path is defined.  but that "what" may change.  if i want to be a circus clown because it is the most practical way to live out my "why" of desiring to put smiles on as many faces as possible, then if at some point i can't be a clown, there are other "whats" that i can pursue with that same "why".
  so i'm trying to communicate that the why is what is important.  the why is what will last, will sustain a vocation, will sustain life.  i'll give an example.  my why is definitely a work in progress but it goes something like this:

  i desire to serve and care for those who cannot care for themselves.  i need to provide something tangible and address physical needs as a conduit for addressing spiritual needs.  and in all that i do, allowing my relationship with Christ to direct my actions.

  i realize the what's and why's can get confusing.  if i'm putting it simply it is this, i think that we all have a God-given purpose.  i don't necessarily know mine for sure. and i don't think that we all have a God-given job.  but i believe that in seeking and finding that purpose will give more confirmation to a vocation you choose.
  so join me in praying for, seeking your "why".

Til Death Do Us Part...

On Dec. 27th 2012 my grandpa, whom we called "Papa", slipped the surly bonds of earth to touch the face of God. After a battle with lung cancer that just recently was discovered in May he succumbed to the disease that tore through his body. I quote Ronald Reagan after the Challenger disaster to describe my Papa's persona: "He had that special grace - that special spirit that said, 'Give me a challenge and I'll meet it with joy.'"

Yep, Papa was one of a kind, always there for every sporting event, always quick to crack a joke and talk politics with anyone. He was a special man. As the preparations for his funeral and memorial service have been taking place I've gotten multiple chances of listening in on conversations about who this man was, but the greatest relationship that sticks out to me is the one he had with Nona, his wife.

My those two were two peas in a pod to say the least. My mom had always commented to me growing up that Nona and Papa had the best relationship she'd ever seen. They were always joking and needling each other and trying to get the other one all flustered so they could laugh it off later together. The funniest story I heard about them is one that Nona tells. It was the first time she ever met Papa and he walked straight up to her and said, "We're gonna get married." To which she responded with, "Get away from me, you crazy!" Yeah, I'd say they were solid from the beginning. But according to his promise, he wooed her and won her heart, and from that point on they were inseparable.

They say actions speak louder than words, and Papa was one who showed his love for his Nona. From the ridiculous to the mundane, Papa was one who always listened and was happy to oblige the wishes of his bride. I remember riding in the car with them and Papa had her country music blaring through the speakers while she hummed along and sang to the songs. Did he particularly like country music? Nah, he always switched it to talk radio as soon as he dropped her off at work, but the gesture of "I'm gonna do whatever you want because I love you" was there. You could see clearly that he had the biggest soft spot for his Nona.

When the time was drawing near this late December, Papa still had unfinished business. From hearing the conversations over the phone and visiting the day before he left us, Papa wasn't ready to die until the last moments. He didn't want to leave Nona. He had ingrained in him the duty to take care of her and he wasn't about to let death stand in his way. On the day of his passing, Papa fell asleep and the nurses told Nona that he probably wouldn't wake up. The minutes ticked by with Papa's raspy breathing becoming louder and louder. Suddenly he opened his eyes and looked straight at the wife of his youth. His breathing quieted and he calmed down. That's when she reassured him that she would be well taken care of and he had nothing to worry about. With that, he slipped into eternity.

This made me think of those vows taken at the altar by all couples at the onset of their new beginning together. "To love and to cherish, to have and to hold.....something something......til death do us part." Nowadays those words have little meaning with divorce rates high and men dumping one for another. What does this tell me? Marriage ain't easy. It isn't for the faint of heart. Judging by the amount of people these days busting out the backdoor, the notion of marriage maybe isn't as glitzy and glamorous as the fairy tales go. But I know it takes a real man to see it through. To actually do what he promised to do on his wedding day. Not many "boys who can shave" can say that (don't even deserve to be called "men").

Well, my friends, Papa can. He did what he promised to the end.